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As a woman nearing her thirties, I find myself more often than not returning to the age-old question of whether I should have children. Everyone keeps telling me that I am still young, but I feel it less and less. And if, in my mid-twenties, I felt I could keep putting off this dilemma, I think I will probably need to exit the next decade of my life with my mind sort of made up on the matter, be it one way or another.
In my research for this topic, I came across a profession I had never heard about before: a parenthood clarity therapist - probably a miracle worker for fence sitters like me. There are many of us; fewer people are having children, and the ones who do often delay starting a family as much as they can. When they do have kids, they have fewer. The reasons are many, ranging from the micro to the macro.
In my case, the world around me fuels my doubts further. Certain corners of the social and political arena wave a seemingly pronatalist flag, propelled by a generalized anxiety over declining birth rates. But where does this enthusiasm for women having babies go once the actual babies enter the picture? I am lucky enough to have won the geographical lottery when it comes to maternal and parental leave from work, for instance, but I know many other women aren’t so fortunate.
Moreover, what happens when said babies grow into children - loud, annoying children - who are increasingly being shunned from public spaces? Are we not shunning their caretakers along the way?
I want to make it very clear: choosing to remain childless is a decision that works for many, and it may very well end up being mine as well. I understand, for instance, the pause becoming a mother gives many - including myself! - not only for the palpable reasons listed above, but also the existential dread of bringing new people into an apparently crumbling world. Introducing new characters in the final season, as I heard a stand-up comedian say on my feed. I just won’t get attached, he stated wryly.
This anxiety is perfectly understandable - and widespread. Still, I have delighted myself with flirting with the other side of the coin; what if having children is actually the most hopeful thing we can do? As journalist Marina Lopes mused in her book ‘Please Yell at My Kids: What Cultures Around the World Can Teach You About Parenting in Community, Raising Independent Kids, and Not Losing Your Mind’, maybe parenting in our current world is a “stubborn act of hope”. By having children despite it all, we might be chipping away at one of the ways we can keep dreaming of a better future for those who will come after us.
Beatriz
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